Sometime in the month of February, I attended an event called ‘the singles & married sit out’ and the major focus of the day’s discussion was on how to love with your ‘common sense’ (Regrettably, I couldn’t take pictures because my battery was down. If you’re a Nigerian reading this then you know what I mean surely).

 It sounded quite cliché at first but the bitter truth still remained that most people, especially the younger ones in this wonderful generation of ours, are simply contented with just falling in love. We don’t seem to care about what happens later, as long as we know (or think) he loves us or that she truly cares. We tend to fall in love carelessly; of course, it’s a major factor responsible for the failures of most relationships today.
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First of all, I don’t think that anyone should fall in love. “Okay……….read that again”. Yes, think of it this way: nothing good seldom comes out from a fall. Remember the day you mistakenly tripped on the stairway? You stood up but had so much pains or perhaps, ended up with a fractured bone. Psychologically, you’ll almost never
feel good about having to go up or down the stairs again, be it at that particular place or anywhere else that uses a stairway. How about that time when one of the eggs you bought slipped off the grocery bag and fell on your way back from the market? Oh, okay……..how about the ever first time your phone fell to ground with a loud crash? Surely these things never get back to the manufacturer’s original design again. 
Same thing goes for a person who falls in love.

It would seem so magical, enchanting and you’ll even begin to equate yourself with one of those cute characters in some animated movie or cartoon that you’d watched in the past. But it’s all wrong.
Love is not magic. It isn’t magical either. It takes a lot of effort, sacrifice, resources, strength and ‘time’ to love. People ought to grow in love. This begins with first understanding what kind of person (attributes-wise) you would love to be with and not who you want your partner to be. “You got that? Please read that last sentence again”.  Have this knowledge first stand won’t even give you the time to be lusting over looks or scents talk more ‘falling’ in love. You’ll be busy trying to see (in local parlance- shining ya eyes well well) or make sure that he has one or more of those attributes that you’ve outlined as things you can tolerate in a man or woman. You need to take authority over the process of your life.
From the notes I took at the event, here some things that your partner necessarily needs. I’ve done a random oral research and most people have said the same thing.
Every man wants a woman:
1.   Who can have her own opinion and hold good conversation. Most women, out of the fear of coming out as being talkative or losing their man, like to agree to every thing a man says and trust me, men hate it. At times, he says the wrong things intentionally to see how much confidence you’ve got (whether you know the right answers or not) but you’ve been failing that test. Some ladies will even turn themselves to a second version of the man just so he can love her more or have similar interests. If he says he loves beans and you know you’ve never eaten or liked beans because you’re allergic to it, you’ll quickly add it to your diet especially when ‘he’s around’. That’s no way to behave girl. If I catch you doing that ehn? 😒
2.   Who is smart and intelligent. To be honest, there are times when I’ve felt ashamed on behalf of some of my ladies. The way they talk and handle issues. I think this is where ladies need to ‘act like a man’. Stop being a ‘your word is aye and amen kinda lady’. He’ll be able to trust that you’re mentally independent and as such can take care of yourself or even defend yourself when the need arises. I know that men always want to feel like the hero, the prince in shining armor that kills all your enemies and sweeps you off your feet into forever land. But hol’up! How about when he’s not there. Maybe he’s at work or went on a business trip or can’t be there at a particular point to handle that issue? How do you go about it? What steps do you take? Will you fold your arms, watching things go in utter disarray just because he’s the man and ought to stand up to it?
Like, really? Come on girl, there’s a reason God gave you brains! Stop disgracing us abeg. Ha!
3.   Who is respectful and can hold constructive argument . How else can I explain respect? If you’re an African reading this then I’m sure you know how much importance we give to such matters. Don’t be the girlfriend or wife that shouts at him in the presence of others. Don’t even try to correct him except you can do it with a sign language that only the both of you understand. I know I said you should ‘act like a man’ but that’s only when he’s not around. When he’s there, let him be the man. If you must point out something to him (and you don’t possess the sign language powers…), just wait until the two of you are alone or better still when you’re in the bedroom. He’ll hold you in high esteem. It’s really not about cooking, cleaning the house or doing the laundry. Not even about the sexmatics self! They’re just a plus to him.
Every lady irrespective of her age or status wants a man:
1.  Who can lead.  So sometime last week, I came across a mail on social media where a man said he wanted a woman that would be everything, including being a man in other matters…..if you know what I mean. Weird or dumb, I don’t really think quantifies him but how exactly does he expect a woman to always take the lead in ‘everything’. Seriously? Women want men who can be kings in their lives and we know what it entails for one to be a king; with all of its responsibilities. All I can say guys, is, JUST BE THE MAN. I’m sure she has enough women around her already.
2.  Who can recognize and help to bring out goodness in her. Okay…..every woman is a queen. She can be all shades of evil and also good. When a woman is with you, she expects that you’ll support her to being a better woman than you’d met her in every area of her life. 
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She wants to be everything to you yet only you can make that happen so go on and MAKE IT HAPPEN!
3.  Who listens to and respects her opinion, and has good sense of judgement. There are men who have no regards for anything that comes out of the lips of a woman. They are so stereotyped about who and what the female gender should be. One would think that there’d be a drastic reduction in such mentality amongst our men in this age and time but the reverse is the case. I’ve seen even young men between ages 20-30 who strongly believe that a woman still belongs only to the kitchen and was created to be a slave unto men. 
Women always appreciate a man who listens to them, especially during decision making times, and makes them an envy of every other living thing (plants and animals) because of how much value he places on and holds in her. 
All in all, in order to be truly happy in love, let your choice or decisions about a partner or how to be with a partner be God-based. Learn to always seek the wisdom and insight of God in your relationship (and other areas of your life, of course).
Stop imitating celebrities. These people try to model what they think life should be even whilst some 
are still trying to get a life. Things are always over exaggerated in movies and on Internet generally so be careful of what standards you set for your life in respect to what you’ve seen these celebrities put out.
You deserve to be happy! 
A penny for your thoughts below?

Hi dear, thanks for visiting my blog. I am Cynthia Ukachi E. a.k.a Shuga. An ambivert who loves to talk and share her life's journey in order to impact, educate or entertain. I'm passionate about helping people balance their lives, acting, presenting and organizing events. Abujagirlsjournal is my online diary where I talk about things ranging from motivation, self help tips, relationship talks/advice to events and more. You don't want to miss any of those so go ahead and subscribe to follow for regular updates.

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